Job 1:21

"...the LORD gave, and the LORD has taken away; Blessed be the name of the LORD."

    It's only the middle of February, yet I feel as if 2011 has been a really hard year so far. If I look at the past two months or so, I can see the great losses I've had. But then I stop and take a step back. I look harder and notice all of the amazing changes and opportunities that could never have happened if I had not experienced the loss. I have never experienced such intimacy with God like I have during this year so far. It seems to me that because of the loss, I have come to grip God so tightly. I've been trying to hold onto the things that He has been taking away from me. I'll admit that at first I wasn't dealing with all of the losses very well. I was so scared of letting go of these things that I was so used to and that I trusted in. It didn't really hit me until one day when a good friend told me that she saw God trying to hold me, literally wrapping His arms around me, but I was fighting Him and struggling to let me go. I wouldn't surrender. I then came across a verse in Deuteronomy 4:24, "For the LORD your God is a consuming fire, a jealous God." It finally hit. So many things were becoming more important to me than Him, and He got jealous. The Lord will not relent until He has all of you. I was unwilling to surrender anything in my possession to Him, so He started taking it away, little by little. 
    I'll be honest, at first I was bitter. But then something greater came over me. God loves me so much that He will keep fighting until I give Him my complete love back. I've really been realizing that no human love will ever be perfect, but God's love is. If I know I've experienced love and trust here on this earth, then how much more does God love me? How much more can I trust Him? What it has come down to is a daily surrender of my fears and insecurities to the God of the universe, knowing that He will protect me. I've been trying this new thing where I live my life day by day. It's based off of Matthew 6:34, where it talks about not worrying about tomorrow. I'm a big worrier, so for me having the mindset of not worrying about next month or next year is difficult. But knowing that God has it in control is good. I know that whatever I do today will effect what happens tomorrow and in the future. All I can do is live today and glorify God to the best of my ability. All this said, another good friend asked me if I was bitter or angry that all of this had happened to me in such a short amount of time. I stopped for a second before I answered. I told her no, I wasn't. If anything, I am grateful. It may have taken me some time to come to this side of it, but I thank God that I have. Now I can truly say, with all of my heart, "blessed be the name of the Lord."